i-spy

I used to like watching people.

I don't do it so much.

I used to do it because I would be on my own, or even if I wasn't I would feel it.

But now, I am too preoccupied.

Although this makes me happy, strangely it still feels like a loss.

I wish my mum would acknowledge that I was lonely.

She says that I'm just being melodramatic, and that when I leave Long Road I'll say the same about that.

She's wrong.

I am happy here, even though I am still just as socially awkward as I used to be.

I will never be 'cool', and I will never have hundreds of friends.

But for the first time in years, I'm not bothered.

These boys :)

Two of whom I talk about way way too much,

the other one I do not see or talk to nearly enough, but he is a properly nice

person, and I don't meet enough of them.

I don't know why I write differently on here, I know that it's only the same people who will read this. I like to think that I am still as clever as I used to think i was. I have got older and stupider and I didn't even notice. I dumbed myself down, and I am starting to regret it. Josh reckons that I cannot actually change my intelligence, as in, I can't make myself stupider- but I'm pretty convinced he's wrong.

I'm not even sure why I write anymore.
I don't think the way I used to, my writing is rubbish and I literally am a talentless piece of shit (y).
Lovemelovemeloveme
It's all I have.


I want to watch those films, and maybe I will.
Girl, Interrupted +History homework?
Does that go?

Oh well.
Maybe I'll feel some feelings and be able to write about them.



xx