A list of thing that are troubling me that I want you to help with

You could pick one or be my hero and solve/explain to me all of them.

-Univerisity. This is a massive umbrella bullet point thingy, because this comes with it's own big huge list of worries.

• How do I choose where to go? I want to go to Brighton but I have to apply for more and goddammit I don't want to live anywhere shit.
• What if I don't get in to Brighton?
• I'm going to do Primary Education- it's going to be full of girls. What if none of them like me? How do I get them to like me? Oh deeeeear...
• If I DO get in to Brighton, how am I going to know my way around? Someone will show me right?
• How does the whole university thing WORK anyway? I don't understand it...

-What if James leaves me randomly?

-What if I'm even less interesting than I think I am?

-What if I'm this up-and-down for the rest of my life?

-Why am I enjoying this Kate Nash song?

-I want goldfish.

-Or a snail.

-Both?

-"I know I should let go, but I can't"

-"I know I should forget, but I can't"

I want revised

I want:

-James
-My exams to be over
-to be pretty
-to have nice clothes
-for people to like me
-to stop being so annoying
-ditto moany
-To do well in my subjects, even though I won't
-to feel more secure
-to feel more confident
-(without being nasty)
-To have interests that don't revolve around a screen.
-To be recognised for something.
-my older brother not to be such a massive twat.
-to have ambition, rather than just babies.
-(I mean, this isn't the 30s. Women have to work now)
-(And shut up Liv, working with children wouldn't be work for you.)
-to be confident enough to even admit the career I actually want.
-to have nicer hair
-to know stuff.
-to speak another language.
-not to back down so easily
-a new dress
-a fecking job
-money
-independence
-drive. Not learning TO drive. Just drive.
-girl friends.
-Him, him, and him to fuck off.
-a life.
-Last night again and again and again
-mmmmmmmm :)



Not much different I know.

Oh dear.

I want:

-James
-My exams to be over
-to be pretty
-to have nice clothes
-for people to like me
-to stop being so annoying
-ditto moany
-Olly to leave me alone.
-To do well in my subjects, even though I won't
-to feel more secure
-to feel more confident
-(without being nasty)
-To have interests that don't revolve around a screen.
-To be recognised for something.
-my older brother not to be such a massive twat.
-to have ambition, rather than just babies.
-(I mean, this isn't the 30s. Women have to work now)
-(And shut up Liv, working with children wouldn't be work for you.)
-to be confident enough to even admit the career I actually want.
-to have nicer hair
-to know stuff.
-to speak another language.
-not to back down so easily
-a new dress
-a fecking job
-money
-independence
-drive. Not learning TO drive. Just drive.
-girl friends.
-Him, him, and him to fuck off.
-a life.
-me and James to be right again.

Oh what am I becoming?

I just looked up How To Be a Perfect Girl in google.
And an article came up on wikihow
And I'm reading it.




I need to be better, I must be better, I need to be better.

Talking to strangers

Connecting to server...
You're now chatting with a random stranger. Say hi!
Stranger: hiih
You: Heeey
You: This is weird :)
Stranger: y
Stranger: its fun
You: What's your favourite cartoon?
Stranger: X-men
You: Cool
Stranger: old school and the newest one evolution wwas FAIL
You: Mine is Fairly Odd Parents
Stranger: NICE
Stranger: epic choise
You: You may be being sarcastic
You: I don't care :)
Stranger: u lie faily odd has a genious theme
Stranger: i learnint it once
You: On what?
Stranger: was gd to coe home 2
Stranger: along with mona the vampire theme
You: Oh yeahhhh
You: :D
Your conversational partner has disconnected.


Connecting to server...
You're now chatting with a random stranger. Say hi!
Stranger: hi
You: heeyy
Stranger: foo
Stranger: do you like feet
You: I like them as much as the next girl :)
You: They come in pretty useful for walking on
You: Do you like feet?
Stranger: yes :)
Stranger: well...
Stranger: you know what they say about big feet...

You: uh-huh
You: Big socks
Stranger: big shoes
You: OLD joke
Stranger: LOL
You: Hahaa
Stranger: whats up
You: nothing mooch
Stranger: mooch?
Your conversational partner has disconnected.


Connecting to server...
You're now chatting with a random stranger. Say hi!
You: hey
Stranger: hoo
You: Do you believe in love at first sight?
You: Because I fell in love with you the first time I saw your typing up on my screen :')
Stranger: Do you beliieveee
Stranger: in lifeee
Stranger: after
Stranger: loveeee
You: I do not believ in Cher :(
Stranger: Do you believe in magicc
Stranger: I believe i can flllllllllllllllllllllllllllly
Stranger: Spread my wings
Stranger: and
Stranger: touch
Stranger: the skkkyyy
Stranger: think about it every night
Stranger: and dayyyyyyyyyyyyy
You: hahhaaa
You: It's like an X Factor audition
Stranger: It's just...
Stranger: So..
Stranger: Beautiful!
You: :')
Stranger: D:
You: I think you're through to the next round :)
Stranger: =O
You: Congratulations and stuff
Stranger: im so happy
Stranger: INCOMING
Stranger: (\ /)
You: I know it's been your dream since you were so young
Stranger: (0.o)
Stranger: (> <)
Stranger: /_||_\
You: Rabbit :)
Stranger: you know NOTHING
You: I wrecked it
You: The rabbit :(
Stranger: what
Stranger: no you didn't
Stranger: unless theres some lag
Stranger: on my screen it is intact
You: oh
Stranger: ;(
Stranger: you killed him didn't you?
Stranger: how dare you
You: I'm sorry I'm sorry!
Stranger: you should be

I know I'm hard work

I'm often seen as a negative person.
Mainly because I'm always moaning about something.
It's even more apparent when compared to my happy, cheerful, beaming, sunshine-shitting boyfriend.
I know i shouldn't be jealous.
I take it out on him:
a) because he's nearest
b) because happy people wind up miserable people
c) because he has everything I want and I hate it.
It's not even like it balances out if you take everything into consideration. He literally beats me on everything.
Looks, intelligence, confidence...
But the main things that bother me are








Oh shut up you moaning ccahhh.




Moanwhinewhinge


You know who you sound like?


Your mum and her sisters.

Yeah. I went there.


YOU ARE TURNING INTO YOUR MOTHER.

I'm so open I type out my diary on the internet

11.40pm 31st Dec 2007

Twenty minutes until 2008.
Oh God.




New Years Day 2008

These scientist blokes (who really should be doing something useful, like curing diseases) have started dictating how people should make New Years Resolutions. So, in my usual fashion, I shall do opposite things.
*You should only have one resolution
Err no. The more arrows you shoot, the more you're likely to hit.
My Resolutions
-Clean up the shower after use
-Use moisturiser everyday.
-Be organized- homework/coursework in on time, birthday presents bought and wrapped on time.
-Stop nagging Olly so much.
-Exercise a little more
-Go to loads of gigs
-Have fun
-Be less nasty to people. Even if they are a freak.


10.44pm New Years Day

I need to do lots of work tomorrow.


7th January 08

I forgot my R.E. book, so I'm going to take Abortion Coursework notes in here.

[Four pages of abortion coursework notes]

7th January

I'm meant to be doing maths problems, but it's coverwork that she's never going to mark, so I can't be bothered.
I've been basically abandoned by my so-called friends- I have the entire front row to myself. How embarrassing. Why am I the one to get left alone? For once I know it's not just me being paranoid. I don't get 'bullied', I just get ignored. I'm not lonely, though. I hate people. Emily, Hannah and Charlotte are in a cosy little group a few metres behind me, chatting. It's nice to know they care about me enough to leave me completely alone while they do this. I literally am alone. There are three empty chairs on either side of me. I may as well not be here.
Liams been moved to the front row now, but I don't know him.
I feel so useless, I really do. What is so wrong with my social skills that I can't even persuade people to sit with me in a maths lesson? I would hate myself if I wasn't such an egotist At least it's last lesson, so i can go home in ten minutes. Ten minutes seems like a couple of hours.
I can hear a jumble of voices behind me, but i cannot determine what they are saying. I don't care. I don't know what to do.
I want to see Olly. He wouldn't leave me on my own.


4.52pm

I feel so ugly and hopeless. I look in the mirror and my nose seems to stand out like a beacon. I realise that these are groundless emotions that will pass, but I still just want to get on a train and runaway from my life, run away from myself. Not that that's possible. If I could do anything, I would travel to wherever Maximo Park are currently touring, do some sightseeing and take some photos during the day, go to their concert in the evening and have a dance, then be allowed backstage so I can stay up until the morning talking to Paul Smith (the leadsinger). Then I would come with them in their tour bus and travel the world with them.
But I'm a slightly dishevelled 16 year old school girl, who's behind on her coursework in several subjects.

I'm not sure when it happened, but it feels like I suddenly realised I was here, like really realised, and since then I haven't been able to do anything without seriously over-thinking it. It's caused problems.

Oh, and

it's me and James's sixth month anniversary today :)
I love you Bambi ^_^

aww lame.
You should see us mime along to Famous Last Words by MCR. It's lamer.



Maybe I should youtube it o_O

Champagne, dresses, sleepy puppies and demon barbers

I went out to London yesterday with James and his family to have a meal with his Aunt and Uncle and cousins. It was nice, although I hadn't eaten all day, and i was tired from James ringing me at like 1am after coming back from a party a bit drunk ¬_¬
I say a bit...
I won't go there.
But yeah, I was tired and empty.
And then I had champagne which made my eyes drunk :S
And I was very very sleepy.
I ate Penne All'Arrabiata- or something like that- and James spent quite a while teaching me how to say it, as I was worried about not being able to pronounce it properly and embarrassing myself in front of his family. Or, in my head, the whole of the restaurant. The whole of London. But it was okay (y)
We went back to the hotel James's Aunt etc were staying in. It was really posh. James's mum and cousins drank mohitos, which tasted like my garden. Ick :|
Me and James played with his brothers iphone apps and texted 118118 stuff.
On the way home, we watched Sweeney Todd, and although I hadn't minded the blood, I didn't like the ending, it made me sad and disturbed :(
I made James put on Friends, even though it was very late, because I wanted to take my mind off it. I was very sleepy and I fell asleep.

I love sleeping with James. It's really easy and nice, kind of like when really young puppies just sleep all over each other. Kind of oblivious to each other, but in a nice way. Like, not finding the other one annoying. Actually, I don't know whether he finds me annoying. I always fall asleep first. Usually I wake up first as well, but this morning I slept later than he did. I woke up and he was looking a bit grumpy, so I asked what was wrong, and he said, "I'm bored!"
Aww. Apparently he did try to wake me up, but I was having none of it :)
I realise no-one cares about me and James as a couple, or probably even us individually (read: me), but I like writing about him. He's my favourite thing. He's so cute and lovely and even when he's in a strop and even when he's being mean, I still love him and I still like him more than I do anyone else.

That's how you isolate your audience.

I love Reko dresses, but nowhere seems to sell them anymore :(
I really wanted one, it was one of my main aspirations in life.
Find me one?

Something that I haven't done for ages,

not since I was really lonely, is sitting in front of my mirror playing around with make-up all evening.
Maybe I'll go and do that now.

Helloooooooooooooo eyeliner.

And so it was, and so it won't be.

But parties that my boyfriend goes to without me still make me nervous if I think about it too much.
This is only the second one since the 'incident', so i think I am within my rights to feel a little bit....eurrhghgh.
But not much, and it only came about a couple of minutes ago after Coronation Street.
So you can't say anything.



Lightning never strikes twice.

I'm done!

*Breathes*


English coursework is DONE :D


Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh


That is so nice.
I just need to put it all together in one slipppppy file now
and go and have a snack.


*pictures James's snack walk*
Groan.


I love that boy though.
Love him more than I ever knew I could ever love anyone.
He can be a dick :)
But I love that too
I feel like a hypocrite calling him a challenge, as I would prefer to go out with him than be him going out with me, but that is sort of what it's like.
I love him :) He is so so so gorgeous, and so fun to be with. I just can't believe it, even though it's almost six months (this Sunday ^_^)
I am so so lucky.

<3


xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

I get bored, I am human, I have needs. OHDEARCRINGE.

Wrote this last night.



I want to explore your body. I want to reach out an touch you, lying next to me under the duvet. You are a boy and I am a girl, and I want to investigate the differences between us. It's close, and it's hot. Too close to fully make out one another's features anymore. The light is fading as we disappear beneath the sheets, but we don't need visibility. We have touch, we have scent, we have...taste. We have hot breath on our necks. We are scientists experimenting- searching for combinations to cause explosions; playing minesweeper on your skin. It is nice to appreciate each others bodies- novelties that will never wear off. I love to feel you touch me, I love to hear you love me. Right here, right now, in this moment, nothing is more important than the game. We're being selfish for two, shutting the world out. Lava bubbles beneath cause the temperature to rise



and that's when James rang.

She

used to be compared to a china doll as a child. Now, the only similarity she shared with a china doll was her fragility. He did not know how close she had been. She had been thrown up in the air, she had slipped out of people's hands again and again. If he had not caught her, she would have fallen and smashed into a million pieces, irreparable, disposable. It scared her to know what she had been on the edge of. She knew herself better than anyone else, and she knew how she would have turned out if he had not come along. For that she was always grateful, but constantly nervous of having him slip away. He was the best thing in her life.

Ho-hum

So yeah, I am meant to be doing a few finishing touches to my English Coursework at the moment, as I have to hand it in tomorrow. I am quite proud of myself this week, what with my A grade R.S. essay about Utilitarianism that I got back yesterday, and all the work I've been doing for photography. I still need to finish my book for English (in class we are on parcel 10, I am on parcel 3), and I need to do loads and loads of test prints for photography to get all the settings worked out before my exam. I also need to gather up Hannah so I can do another digital shoot, seeing as I've only done 2. Maybe I can tempt her with the promise of some prints from previous shoots. Pictures of her :) Everyone is as vain as me.

I wish I had an unrequited love

whom I could waffle on about on here.

Sadly (!) I have a wonderful and fully requited lahhhverboy.
I am very happy about that, but people find it annoying when other people talk about being in love all the time.
I'll have to find other things to seek and then moan about, won't I?
Like my video camera software ¬_¬
That's hardly a romantic-comedy in the making.

"Liv Tatum was just an ordinary girl. An ordinary girl with a dream- she wanted to make video blogs and post them on youtube. However, there was one thing holding her back from achieving that dream-
she couldn't find her video camera editing software."

Yeah, that would definitely work.
In fact, maybe I should make that film.
Except I can't, due to the fact I have LOST MY EDITING SOFTWARE.

Just about the biggest cringe ever

Euuuurghhh

Even when you win, you lose

I have been watching video bloggers for a while.
My favourites are:
Charlie McDonnell- (charlieissocoollike)
Alex Day (nerimon)
Ray William Johnson
and Lex :)


And now I want a video blog too.
I have my camera
I have lost my software to upload and edit it with ¬_¬

Bum.

I guess you think that's a switch you're flicking

I am in quite an angry mood this evening.
I was a bit of a bitch before I left school, and it upset me rather a bit actually.
I have been a right dick to Josh, which is bad.
I wrote a crackin' essay today in R.S. about utiliarianism.
And I also handed in my English coursework draft.
I am going to pick it up tomorrow, so I really really really really hope she doesn't want me to write the whole thing again- the final one is due in on Friday :
I'm such a pessimist.


I'm lonely.

In photography again

Tried to coerce my dad into buying me a macbook if I get an A in photography.

He has yet to agree.

I really hope he does though, I want to go on the computer in bed.

Lazy much?

Photography

I am in it :)

Although my model let me down yesterday, and I haven't done any more shoots, I am still positive about photography at the moment. My sketchbook is better than ever, and I have done lots of research and planning and generally worked really hard on it. I should probably put this much effort into my other subjects. I don't.

In fact, I want to quit history. I really hate it. I just feel that every one of those lessons is a waste of time. I never absorb anything. I only go because James is there, and because I have to. If I had those lessons free I would be able to do work for English and RS. I may even be able to pass them.

I really want to pass them.

Gran Torino on Wednesday with James after college.

i-spy

I used to like watching people.

I don't do it so much.

I used to do it because I would be on my own, or even if I wasn't I would feel it.

But now, I am too preoccupied.

Although this makes me happy, strangely it still feels like a loss.

I wish my mum would acknowledge that I was lonely.

She says that I'm just being melodramatic, and that when I leave Long Road I'll say the same about that.

She's wrong.

I am happy here, even though I am still just as socially awkward as I used to be.

I will never be 'cool', and I will never have hundreds of friends.

But for the first time in years, I'm not bothered.

These boys :)

Two of whom I talk about way way too much,

the other one I do not see or talk to nearly enough, but he is a properly nice

person, and I don't meet enough of them.

I don't know why I write differently on here, I know that it's only the same people who will read this. I like to think that I am still as clever as I used to think i was. I have got older and stupider and I didn't even notice. I dumbed myself down, and I am starting to regret it. Josh reckons that I cannot actually change my intelligence, as in, I can't make myself stupider- but I'm pretty convinced he's wrong.

I'm not even sure why I write anymore.
I don't think the way I used to, my writing is rubbish and I literally am a talentless piece of shit (y).
Lovemelovemeloveme
It's all I have.


I want to watch those films, and maybe I will.
Girl, Interrupted +History homework?
Does that go?

Oh well.
Maybe I'll feel some feelings and be able to write about them.



xx

I had a good day

You know when you have a blocked nose
and you blow it
and you can breathe again and it feels really nice?




Yeah.





I am all happy again now.
I love James. :')



I fell up the stairs today, with a cup of tea, in front of lots and lots of people, and most importantly, James.
It was cringebarrassing, but I didn't spill the tea.
My dad said that that was the most important thing.
My photos are up on flickr: http://www.flickr.com/people/30585140@N05/
They are for my coursework, and it upsets me that they aren't as good as everyone elses.
Cathy was doing a similar topic to me, but she was confident and asked the stall owner peoples permission to photograph them, so her shots are better than mine.
I hate being marginally good at most things, but not exceptionally good at anything.
I really would like a talent, or skill.


Oh well.
My tummy hurts.
I shall make tea, because I am English, and that's what we do when anything goes wrong or hurts or if we just want some.

Sometimes

I get jealous of other people's orgasms.

I suddenly

feel an awful lot of pressure to write something decent.
I have to be 'creative'. I have to be 'interesting'.
Oh no.
I am neither creative nor interesting.

Livfoxxx "Shut up I am dancing" says:
Jaaaaaaames
Your Friend James says:
liiiiiiiiiv?
Livfoxxx "Shut up I am dancing" says:
Call me and we can have chats and that, it will be good and you will feel happy in your tummy and the rest of your anatomy for that matter.






By the way.
For my funeral.
I want 'Any Other World' by Mika played.
Either when i'm being carried in
or
if my parents object
which they WILL
At the 'wake' thingy.


kthx :)
WHOA depressing.

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Word counts

Checking your word count every ten minutes will not make your work any better, Liv.
Get on with it. I know it's soul-crushing.

Blog lost, blog regained

I forgot I had a blog.
Maybe I will use it this year :)
"Maybe it's just my guilty heart, but I'm craving my husband, the familiar contours of his body."

Aww I love magazines.
And I love James.
Yesterday I just felt massively in love with him. And now I miss him ¬_¬

this is a useless blog.
Oh well. They can't all be winners.